Life, Friends, Is Boring
by The Enigmatic Big Miss Sunbeam

Title: Life, Friends, Is Boring.

Q should not say so. After all, the sky flashed, the great sea yearned, and everybody in Continua prided themselves on their flashing and yearning.

And to admit that he was bored (heavy bored) would mean Q had no inner resources.

Q gave a deep sigh and lifted his beautiful dark godhead. Well, actually, he didn't have any inner resources. And proud of it too, in a black and ironic way.

But still: the endless sound of croquet balls battering each other on a cricket-ridden summer night in downtown Continua was driving him MAD.

Oh, yeah, and now the biggest mistake in the history of Continua was bustling around right in front of him, babe in arms, dusting, knitting, cooking, MOOING, and generally driving him MAD as well.

"Q," she barked. "Take care of little Q for a while."

"No," he said, but it was too late because she had already thrown the baby on his dark lap and gone out the door.

He looked at the baby who looked back with familiar huge black eyes; then its pristine wet mouth formed a perfect square and it wailed so loudly a nearby star wilted.

For God's sake, woman!

When she finally came back (reeking of Hamburger Helper and brownies), he was clutching the sleeping baby while tapping his own narrow aristocratic foot.

"Look at the time, you damn whore."

"Hmmmm? Was the baby well-behaved? Oh, I bet himmums wuzzywuzwuz!" And she poked little Q's softly snoring tummy.

"Don't DO that! I just got him to sleep five seconds ago."

She gave him one of her patented cowlike stares.

He had no pity; he gave her the baby. "It's your turn, Tits; I have a meeting with my brothers."

"It's war this time, Q! War, I tell you!"


"We've been challenged. Look!" And the oldest brother, the Wise Prince Quinn, punched the on button of a holoprojector.

An evil laugh boomed out from the vid screen! "Hahahaha! I speak to the three royal princes of Continua! Your weapons are useless against us! Surrender now! Yes, it is time for us, The Travelers, to take over the known universe!!! Hahahaha!"

The three royal princes of Continua looked glumly at the wrinkled visage of the chief Traveler as he went on in this vein for some time.

"Traveler's not very attractive, is he?" said the Fair Prince Q.

"Not very, no," said the Dark Prince Q.

"Yeah, but check out what's in the background," said the Wise Prince Quinn.

"Can you move that thing around, get us a close-up?" said the Fair Prince Q.

Suddenly a six-foot-tall holoprojection was in the center of the room.

"Oh. My. God." said the fair Prince Q. He was breathless. "What is that?"

"It's a squire, little brother. Look at it, just look at it."

The squire was tall and slender with black eyes and black hair, and his lush, nearly pubic mouth was pouting and open.

The three Princes stared.

"When I look at that . . . I smell something cooking," said the Wise Prince Quinn.

"He can't possibly be as good as he looks," said the Fair Prince Q.

"Oh, yes, he is. I have talked to many. Very Good Wesley they call him, and all the knights wanted him for their squire. There's nothing he won't do. That Traveler is one lucky cocksucker," said the Wise Prince Quinn.

"Hey, Q, you still with us over here?" said the Fair Prince Q to his darker brother.

"I am over here like to swoon," said the Dark Prince Q. "Jiminey! I want me some squire too."

"Yeah, hot squire action!"

"Squires, squires, squires!"

"Where did that asshole get him a squire like that?"

"Federatia," said Quinn. "Just down the road."

"I could not love thee, my sweet Q, loved I not honor more. It is off the wars, darling! Take care of little Q and I will come back to you. Perhaps I'll have a empty sleeve or pantaloon leg when I march home, but it will be worth it. I must protect the universe from the ravages of . . . Traveler."

"Really," she said in a matter of fact voice, obviously not buying it, but no matter; Q was already out the door.

As they pulled up the massive gate of the walled castle of the Dowager Queen of Federatia, the Wise Prince Quinn turned to his brothers. "Without a really cute squire, war would otherwise be just a vulgar brawl."

The Fair Prince Q was diffident. "You can't just want up to a guy and say 'be my squire' can you?"

"There ARE hiring guidelines, but mainly I myself intend to grab the hottest squire I see and run like hell. Q," he motioned to the Fair Prince Q, "go over there to Queen Beverly's Baycastle. They say that's where Traveler got that Very Good Wesley. I myself am going to go on down to Queen Katherine's, the joint of whom they say is jumping with cute young squires. And, Q", he nodded to the Dark Prince Q, "this here is your beat."

"Who are you?" intoned the languid queen, whose name was Lwaxana.

"I am one of the Three Royal Princes of Q, come to seek a . . . an alliance with Federatia against the evil forces of the Travelers. In brief, I want a squire. And let's face it, Queen, whoever gets to be a squire for a Royal Prince of Q is, to be utterly pithy, set for life. He'll have his tail in a big tub of butter." The Dark Prince Q lifted his graceful eyebrows. "As will anyone associated with him."

"Interesting! Oh, by the way, here are my stepsons, Will and Geordi. Perfect squires for the discerning tastes in he-flesh."

Q sat there impassively.

Well, the two stepsons were not THAT bad. One was big and pretty and one was short and pretty. But they were not the equal of Very Good Wesley. And if a troll like Traveler could get Very Good Wesley, then the Dark Prince Q should rate higher than these two.

Q thought fast.

"Are you boys good with directions? Part of a squire's job description is to guide his knight."

"Directions? Like . . . on the back of a package?" said the tall one. Then he looked around the Queen's vast court at the titters of hundreds of invisible retainers.

The Dark Prince Q folded his arms around him. A big mistake coming here. He turned to the shorter stepson.

Who said: "Well, I'm good, up to a point. I have this little vision problem in that I'm blind, but I've a number of compensatory skills."

Oh, for God's sake! A blind squire! Q hoped everyone got to see the attractive furrow of his brow as he pretended to think about this.

"Perhaps . . . I should have a skills . . . test type deal," he finally said.

"We'll go riding," Lwaxana said.

She kept gabbing all the way to the stable.

Q was most glum. None more glum.

Geordi was . . . just not what Q was looking for. He meant, Geordi was pretty and obviously had a big one - he had a very nice ass too. But Geordi wasn't playful, he lacked a certain je-ne-sais-quoi, he just didn't . . .

"Jean-Luc, come out here!" Lwaxana yelled. " We need you to saddle two horses."

A pale-skinned young man came out of the stable. Q looked at him resentfully; this Jean-Luc wasn't bad either, but, dammitohell, none of the available talent here at Federatia . . .

None of it made him in the least bit hard. And therefore what was the point?

"Thank you, Jean-Luc," he said and touched the hand of the young man who was leading his pony to him.

"I believe you are mistaken. I am not Jean-Luc. My name is Data."

"Jean-Luc, get out here now," Lwaxana cawed even more loudly.

Then another man came out. He was cleaning off his hands with a worn rag. It must be Jean-Luc. Oh, great. Some old guy who worked in the stable, short, bald.

"Madame, are you in need of help?" the man asked.

And Q's body was shaken in so many ways he was numb.

Jean-Luc was not some old guy in the stable, short, bald. Jean-Luc was the one, the squire, the most gorgeous piece of man Q had ever seen. Q's eyes raked up and down Jean-Luc's enticing body. His broad feet and strong legs. His iron legs, iron calves flaring into his heavily-muscled, perfectly proportioned thighs. His firm ass, his discreet (and thus all the more enticing) codpiece and his flaring chest. Oh, his flaring chest. The resonant source of the most beautiful voice in history, a powerful slurry of air and vowels and softened post-vocalic r's that jolted every part of Q and touched his heart.

And his ears were ringing so much Q barely heard Lwaxanna tell Data: "We're going riding. The Dark Prince Q here wants to enlist Geordi as his squire. It's a wonderful career opportunity."

That night after a boring supper in the castle, Q went up to his boring bed alone and lay down. He had always slept well, if not terribly interested in the concept of sleep.

That sure had changed.

He closed his dry-lidded eyes a hundred times only to open them again in the dark air and whisper the magic words: Jean-Luc.

Never never never had he ever had these sorts of thoughts, thoughts he could barely sort out.

What if Jean-Luc were sick and dragged away by a vicious doctor to a distant abbey and he, the Dark Prince Q, had to sneak in to visit Jean-Luc and Jean-Luc was lying in his white heat-scented sheets pale and helpless and he, Q, kissed Jean-Luc's cool dry lips a thousand times!

What if he set Jean-Luc up in a little cottage in the woods and Jean-Luc spent his day (in form-fitting green tights!) hunting and chopping wood, and then Q came for one of his periodic visits and found Jean-Luc had been unfaithful! With some little hot body like Very Good Wesley! The tears! The scenes! The emotional storms! And, of course, the elaborate make-up scene where Jean-Luc cried and swore never to do it again! And Q had to take one last long walk by the river and decide if he could trust Jean-Luc and then come back and take Jean-Luc's oversized hand in his and quote Matthew Arnold in a tearful voice!

Or what if Traveler stole Jean-Luc and subjected him to all sorts of fates worse than death! Even turning him over to the bat-faced minions of the Traveler continuum! Who, in order to have their way with Jean-Luc, gambled for the treasures of Jean-Luc's pale body with their own baffling currency!

And this was not to mention the very basic ones where he was naked and Jean-Luc was naked and then . . . well, there they were!

Naked on a camping trip!

Naked in a stable!

Naked on a horsehair sofa in a hundred-year-old house on a dark winter afternoon!

Naked in the vast forests where the Barcan waters flowed!

Naked in the golden halls of silence!

A thousand fantasies crowded into Q's feverish brain! And he slept not at all.

The next morning Q looked in the mirror and adjusted his earrings. Oh, those golden hoops did set off the downward swerve of his dramatic mouth. Then he smoothed his wild glossy black mane with his hands and pulled the collar of his cape up around his head.

Q turned his face this way and that. Very dramatic.

Well, maybe a little eyeshadow, just enough to bring out the dark beauty of his eyes.

Jean-Luc was unbelievable. A king's posture, solid thighs like a danseur. And that square-jawed face! Gleaming with intelligence and will.

Q smoothed his eyebrows with a bit of emollient on the tip of his little finger.

Of course, Jean-Luc was assuredly a peasant! Look at his huge fleshy paws, not the refined long-fingered hands of a Q. Still . . . he probably had a big dick. Q sighed. A great big dick.

Oh, what the hell was he thinking of?

He threw off his cape in a frenzy! How could he have been so completely insane! The cape wasn't working at all!! Instead he should wear his new doublet; it was made of gold-trimmed black velvet with slightly padded shoulders and it fit him like the pelt on a black panther. And when he put it over his delicately pleated collar and his new black tights, well!!!!!

He would be beyond delicious and surely Jean-Luc's eyes would come out on stems.

After a solitary breakfast, Q went down to the stable.

Data was disconsolately rasping some metal thing.

"Oh, hi, say, hey, where's, um, Jean-Luc?"

"He is out exercising our horses with some of the other stable personnel," Data sighed. "Geordi will be here soon. At that time, you and he can prepare for his assuming the mantle of his squirehood."

"Actually, I've been meaning to talk to someone about that. Do you know Geordi terribly well? I mean, how intent is he on becoming a squire? See, my squire ideas seem to have changed radically in the last little bit."

Data's head clicked to the side. "In what sense have they changed?"

"I'm such a ninny, a big old herbert really, and I am not sure I need someone so enticing and . . . fresh as Geordi. I need the strong grip of an older hand to guide me into wisdom. With Geordi, I bet all I'd do is play around."

"Interesting. I assume you are speaking of Jean-Luc."

"And how."

"Are you aware that our Queen also has her eye on Jean-Luc?"

"Aware, yet indifferent, Data. I certainly felt a certain nuance when he tightened my saddle. Lwaxana better watch her ass."

"But you do not want Geordi."

"He's the cutest. And so hot. But no thanks."

"This is quite fortunate because I myself find that Geordi's gray matter snyapses my positronic neural net in a most stimulating way. I had hoped to propose a long-term alliance to him very soon."

"I will not stand in your way. I just want Jean-Luc."

"Interesting. And curiously not dissimilar to a Gilbert and Sullivan musical. There is the same recurrence of a triad; Geordi, Will, and Jean-Luc are comparable to the three little maids from school or to the three sons of King Gama or the three Dragoons in Patience. Meanwhile, Queen Lwaxana stands in for that Gilbertian staple, the unattractive older woman in search of a man; Katisha, the Pirate Maid Ruth, or Lady Sangazure come to mind. There is also a rather contrived plot in that I want Geordi and Geordi wants me; you want Jean-Luc, and Lwaxana wants him as well. Of course, the earmark of a genuine work by Gilbert and Sullivan is the almost mathematical pairing up of all the seemingly star-crossed lovers, thus providing a happy ending."

They looked at each other.

"A happy ending?" Q whispered.

"Yes," Data nodded.

"Won't we need some kind of magic spell?"

"Ah, you are correct. I shall put on my thinking cap."

That night Q gathered everyone around. "Okeydokey, here's my skills test. Data has constructed a maze so I can gauge the directional skills of my potential squires. Will? You're first."

"I'm scared of shrubbery. Maybe I better back out."

The court was silent for a moment. Then Q nodded his head. "All right. Geordi?" And Geordi came forth and took his hand, and together they entered the bushy entrance of the maze.

After a few paces, Geordi said: "Lwaxana can't hear us now."

"So you're in on the deal too?"

"You got it. I'm Data's for life; his stuff is good."

"Which one of us will call for help?"

"Let's both do and then Jean-Luc can come in and rescue us the way he generally does. He can also finish taking you through the rest of the maze."

"He does know the way, no?"

"It's a lead-pipe cinch. Just always keep right."

"HELP!" Q called.

"HELP!" Geordi echoed.

It was dark at the entrance to the maze, so Q could not quite read Jean-Luc's expression as they re-entered the maze.

Not that it mattered. He felt Jean-Luc's presence at his side as one would a flame.

"So, Jean-Luc, do you have a girlfriend?"

"Lwaxana has made overtures, but, no, I don't think so."

"I'm married."

They came to a abrupt stop. An almost solid bank of shrubbery was in front of them. "Keep right," Jean-Luc said with a dry little irony.

Q leaned in.

And kissed Jean-Luc one gentle little kiss under the ear.

"But my wife doesn't understand me."

Jean-Luc said nothing.

Q leaned over and kissed his cheek again. Their faces were very close.

And suddenly Q felt his face growing red. Suppose he did tell this elegant bundle of bones the truth? Wouldn't that very act of . . .confessing and . . . admitting and . . . baring one's heart, wouldn't that be eerily exciting? And Jean-Luc's reaction would be . . .

Even not knowing that excited Q!

"I love you, I think about you constantly, I want you inside me, I want to be inside you. I'm so sorry. But I want you," he whispered to the enigmatic figure of Jean-Luc beside him in the dark.

And now what would Jean-Luc do!

Time had never meant anything to Q; he rode time, time did not ride him. Miserable-wretch minion-humans would be frantic to find out the answer, but Q felt he was riding a star as he waited for Jean-Luc to respond to his love. He felt the wind of anticipation, as if they were on the edge of a cliff.

Then Jean-Luc's very human voice woke Q from his reverie. "Indeed."

And Q leaned in again and placed his soft lips on Jean-Luc; his mouth was so large it covered all of Jean-Luc's mouth and he opened his mouth a little to place his tongue against Jean-Luc's smaller but equally soft mouth.

And he placed himself as close as he could to Jean-Luc, so Jean-Luc would be able to feel his arousal, his hopeless arousal.

Jean-Luc was still as a stone. Then he said: "Q, I always wondered what was at the end of the maze."

And Q moved himself against Jean-Luc whose body spiraled a bit; both of them were pressing their aroused flesh against the other and Jean-Luc was as big and hard as Q had imagined he would be (odd how one infallibly knew these things), and Q gave a shuddering breath and kissed Jean-Luc again, his mouth still open a bit, and clutched Jean-Luc's strong upperarms with his big pale hands.

"I love you, Jean-Luc. Love me a little."

"I don't know."

Perfect answer!

So doubt and longing and even heartbreak itself would now flavor Q's eternity, drenching those vast deserts of minutes with emotion. He whimpered, stunned and leaking.

Then he sank to his knees and pulling at Jean-Luc's codpiece soon opened it and Jean-Luc was hard and wet and Jean-Luc went "oh" like the breath of the wind when Q took him into his mouth and then he began to move into Q's mouth and there was a stillness and they heard Lwaxana's voice angrily upbraiding Will and Geordi, and Q stood up and Jean-Luc unwillingly tucked his cock back into his doublet. "Later, then, for this, Q." Jean-Luc said and Q swallowed.

Then they emerged from the maze. It was too dark for anyone to tell what they had been up to.

"I'll probably have to review the squire's job description with Jean-Luc. I guess we'll go on back to the castle and have a cram session."

"A cram session," Lwaxana echoed in a flat voice.

It was mostly dark in Q's chambers.

And Jean-Luc faced him, silvered by the pale moon, with his slanted eyes glittering. "Pull your doublet away from your ass," he said, "I've been wanting to see it since you got here," all in one breath.

And in the flickering light of one small true candle, Q unfastened his tights and pulled then down to just under the velvet curves of his ass and he pulled his doublet up to his waist.

Jean-Luc was shivering, he seemed transfixed at the sight.

Then he grabbed Q by the hips and, undoing his tights and licking his palm to wet his cock, he began to penetrate Q.

Q had his head down in his black velvet sleeves and he could see nothing, but he felt all of Jean-Luc pushing into him. And he pushed towards Jean-Luc, wanting to feel Jean-Luc even more deeply inside him. And Jean-Luc was pulling Q's hips back and moving in and out and his breath was raspy: "Q, put your hand on your cock and your balls too, squeeze them a little, don't you like the way a loving hand feels on your nuts?"

And Q at that moment unloosened the front of his doublet and his cock was big and hard and he grabbed it and said "wouldn't you like to see me bend over with my cock hanging down and me jerking it?"

The castle walls seemed to shake and Jean-Luc roared like a small lion and Q was coming too.

"I love you!" Q whispered.

The next morning, after they had washed up and come down stairs, they heard Lwaxana's familiar bray.

"Here are my stepsons, Will and Geordi. Perfect squires for the discerning tastes in he-flesh."

Q and Jean-Luc looked into the throne room. What the . . .



It was the Fair Prince Q.

"What happened at Baycastle?"

"Exactly nothing. I am still squire-less. But . . . " and the Fair Prince Q looked back at Will and Geordi.

"Pick the one named Will," the Dark Prince Q whispered. "I hear he's as good as he looks."

"Oh wow!"

One of the more civilized customs of Federatia was the afternoon siesta.

In the soft afternoon light of the bedroom, Jean-Luc lay in bed naked from the waist down, his full white linen shirt floating voluminously around his upper body like the robes of an angel. Naked from the waist down. Q was transfixed.

Then Jean-Luc rose and went the sink. Q's eyes followed him across the room.

Jean-Luc took off his shirt, and now stood with his back to Q. Naked and precise in every motion.

Life could be like this for the next gazillion years!!!!!!

Q would have his big cock and Jean-Luc would have his and they could amuse themselves til the stars fell from the skies!

Even the oxygen conspired to love Jean-Luc; listen to the way the breezes rode beside his voice!

And Q moved as if a dream to stand behind Jean-Luc and then bent his knees a little and leaned so that he could whisper into Jean-Luc's ear: "You don't mind, do you?" And Jean-Luc said nothing, but instead handed Q a small white glass jar and Q looked at it and it was a satin-scented emollient and Q knew Jean-Luc then was extremely willing and Q applied the oil liberally to his breathless cock and began very gently to move against Jean-Luc and again.

Jean-Luc's breath was raspy, deep, ecstatic.

And he began to speak: "After this you can suck my cock and suck it good and we'll be in front of a mirror because I want to see you put a finger up your ass, let me see that while you're sucking my cock."

"Oh, yes. But are you sure this angle is good for you, Jean-Luc?"

"Actually, I like to get it the ass while I'm on my hands and knees."

Rainbows of brand new emotions shimmered over Q, and they both tumbled to their knees.

Q was able to move even more intently: he would make this precious collection of cells ring with ecstasy. "Later today, Jean-Luc, let's ride down beside the creek and get off our horses and jerk off for each other," he whispered.

He heard Jean-Luc's breath catch. "Q, would you ride naked with me?"

"Oh, God, yes, naked as our stallions and our cocks just as ready."

And then Q felt it begin and he was glad he was inside Jean-Luc and Jean-Luc was moving like a beast, pressing himself against Q's length, and they both came even stronger than before.

Except for the constantly glowering Lwaxana, supper was a huge success.

The Fair Prince Q was not over-endowed with brains so he and Will were a perfect match. Even now they were whispering together about their experiences with microwave popcorn.

Then Jean-Luc touched Q's elbow, and Q's ears sang. "Prince Q, look," he said in his perfect formal voice and nodded at the door.




It was the Wise Prince Quinn!

And he was alone. Utterly, terribly alone!

Poor Wise Prince Quinn. "Kathy says I'll get a squire when I pry her cold dead fingers off them."

"Here is my stepson, Geordi. A perfect squire for the discerning tastes in he-flesh," Lwaxanna said wearily.

The Wise Prince Quinn looked hungrily at Geordi.

And Data's eyes got bigger.

"We'll go riding right after supper," the Dark Prince Q said.

Data was most glum. None more glum. And everyone saw it.

"Woof, come out here!" Lwaxanna said in a small voice. "We need you to saddle some horses."

Then she turned to the men. And sighed deeply.

The next morning a soft April rain was falling. Worf helped the Wise Prince Quinn on to his horse. "Ouch," The Wise Prince Quinn said softly as he placed himself on the saddle, but it was more like a caress and Worf smiled at him.

The Dark Prince Q turned to Queen Lwaxana: "I could not love thee, sweet Queen Lwaxana, loved I not honor more. It is off the wars, dear queen! I will return; perhaps I'll have a empty sleeve or pantaloon leg when I march home, but it will be worth it. I must protect the universe from the ravages of . . . Traveler."

"Really," she said in a matter of fact voice.

The Wise Prince Quinn sighed. "Q, knock it off. Queen Lwaxana, you don't deserve this bullshit. I can't imagine why anyone would find your passions comic. But, you're a smart woman and you are going to have to face this, there's NO WAY. And it's no reflection on you. It's just . . . "

Lwaxana lifted her head. "You're saying there's no one in this crowd who will ever be straight."

"That's about the size of it. You like dick. We like dick. You do the math."

"And so this war is just an excuse to get-together to show off your smart new outfits."


"Well, I gotta say, boys, I'm in denial right this second. If you'll clear out, I can lurch on over to acceptance."

"Don't be sad," Prince Quinn leaned in and whispered. "When we get back, we'll tell you ALL about it."


"I'll keep a detailed journal." He said in an even lower voice; their faces were almost touching.


"Complete with etchings."

They were close as lovers, they were breathing the same oxygen.

She leaned in: "Well, Mr. Big Talk, why don't you just hop on your pony and make it so."

"Yes, Your Nipple-ness," the Wise Prince Quinn said.

And everybody smiled and mounted their horses.

"MY squire will direct us. MY squire knows directions," the dark Prince Q smirked and said to his brothers, who pursed their lips at him in a mean way.

"Are you ready?" Jean-Luc was in front of all of them, his perfect thighs grasping the solid meat of his horse.

Q leaned over and whispered, "you know where we want to go."

And Jean-Luc looked back at him with those beautiful hooded eyes. "You want me to direct you to tomorrow."

Q smiled and nodded. "I can't wait."

"Engage," Jean-Luc said, shaking the reins of his horse.

The End