by Regina

1. be careful what you ask for

Cause you're just what I want And I'm just what you need

You thought you wanted him. You thought he was the one that was going to make everything right. Make you feel whole. And for a while he did. Every touch healed those places down deep inside you. The places that seemed to rip apart the longer you spent away from home. He was your home away from home. A friendly smile and a warm body that you could curl into and forget where you were. Who you were. The sex almost seemed to be an afterthought. A natural extension of the closeness you already shared. You loved him. You did.

You know it was mutual, the comfort you sought in him, he sought in you. You felt it every time his lips touched yours, when you looked into his warm chocolate eyes. He told you more than once that he wouldn't have lasted if it weren't for you. You smiled, said the same. And if asked you would have laughed at the idea you would ever want to spend a moment without him. No one asked, and you were able to keep lying to yourself. Keep pretending that when you closed your eyes at night you weren't seeing someone else.

2. a dream is a wish your heart makes

I wanna drown in your love Lead me to your water

He has eyes the color of a stormy sea, and you dream of drowning. A voice in the back of your head tells you that you've always felt like this, but you don't want to know that, don't want to admit it. You don't want to think about the calm safe eyes you see when you're awake, don't want to compare them with the ones you see in your sleep. Don't want to think about all the pain that will come of this. You only allow yourself one thought about them. You hope you are the one that gets hurt.

You're nervous around both of them. You jump when familiar arms encircle your waist and you see the wry grin he doesn't bother to hide from across the room. You know he knows what you've been thinking. What you've been dreaming. You wonder if he feels the same, then feel shame for even entertaining the thought. You lean back into the support that is always there. You're afraid he'll leave you if he ever finds out what you've been thinking. You wouldn't blame him. Maybe if you make him leave now, he'll never know. You don't know what to do.

3. you always hurt the one you love

My love is insane Pleasure and pain

You go ahead and break his heart the only way you can bring yourself to. You lie. The usual crap that you know he doesn't buy. It's not him, it's you. You have some things to work out. Not complete lies, but still so far from the truth that he stares at you, trying to figure out who you are. You know you wouldn't be able to tell him if he asked. You don't know. You wonder if you ever did. So he goes and you wait for those blue eyes to come to you. You're scared when they do.

He holds you down, makes you his. You surrender, wondering why you want this, need this, only knowing you do. His teeth are sharp. When he kisses you it's your blood you taste. You know you gave up someone who loved you for this. Someone who now looks at you with pity and something you don't want to name. You wish you could explain. Wish you could explain the way you feel when the pain washes over, how good it can feel. Wish you could make him understand that you only thought you loved him, that you made a mistake.

Wish you could explain why you lie to everyone, especially yourself.