Room Enough
By Trixie

He doesn't fall in love with her at first sight.

But he's never been a love-at-first-sight kind of guy. Lust at first sight, absolutely, but love is something he thinks you have to grow into. He's always thought of it like a favorite pair of old jeans-- you have to wear them for a long time and get used to them, until they finally fit just right, like a second skin. Comfortable and familiar. It's how his parents are.

But falling in love with Brianna is an entirely new experience. It changes everything and suddenly nothing is familiar anymore.

When she's born, Joey is in awe of her and more than a little terrified. He's there through the whole delivery and when he cuts the cord and takes the baby from the nurse to hand over to Kelly he thinks that Kelly is the most amazing person ever put on the earth. But Brianna, this little ball of pink and purple flesh is still just an abstract thing, something he has no idea what to do with. The next few days she is pretty much monopolized by Kelly and her mom, and Joey's mom, and various other relatives that come to visit. Then he has to go back to Toronto to finish filming and the Popodyssey tour starts, so he never really gets much time with her until she's about nine months old.

~..~

Never thought that love could feel like this
And you changed my world with just one kiss.

~..~

They're on a short hiatus and Kelly needs a break and says she wants him to bond with his daughter, so she drops the baby off with lists of instructions and timetables. His mom comes over and helps him out for the first two days and then leaves again and he wonders if it's not some kind of conspiracy. The baby cries a lot that first day he's alone with her and doesn't seem interested in any of the toys or activities he tries to offer. He feeds her and she spits food back out at him like Linda Blair and cries some more. He sings to her and gives her a bottle and she finally quiets down and goes to sleep.

The next day is better and he talks to her a lot because he read that it helps them develop language and he sings to her a lot because she seems to like it and he finds it easier to communicate that way. He changes diapers and bathes her and convinces her to keep solid food in her mouth more often than not, and he rocks her to sleep in the old rocking chair his mom used to rock him and Steve and Janine to sleep in. And he spends a lot of time looking at her, trying to figure her out.

Everyone says that she has Kelly's eyes and his mouth. He can see that she has Kelly's big blue eyes, but he doesn't really recognize her mouth. After he gives her a bath one day, he sits her up on the bathroom counter, leaning back against his belly, and compares her mouth with his. When she grins and reaches out for the baby in the mirror, he grins back and can finally see the similarity and for the first time she really feels like a part of him.

The guys all come by to visit, not so much because they want to see him but because they are all a little in love with his daughter. Justin loves to get down on the floor with her and play and laugh. He makes funny voices and blows raspberries on her belly until she's screaming. Chris sits down with her on his lap and makes funny faces, letting her pull on his necklaces and earrings, then carries on very serious conversations that stop when anyone comes close enough to hear what he's saying. He says that their talks are between him and Brianna, no one else. JC's nervous about holding her or carrying her around, but he lays down on a blanket with her and touches her soft skin and sniffs her hair, looking at her with wide eyes and humming to her the whole time.

Lance is very serious about his role as her God-father and he comes over with information about schools and trust funds. He's already convinced Joey to set up a college fund for her that Joey knows he deposits money into on a regular basis. But then he picks her up and walks around with her, talking to her in a low quiet voice that's softer than any voice Joey has heard him use in the last few years. He calls her sweetie and honey and sugar. Brianna is absolutely transfixed by Lance's voice and watches him with wide eyes whenever he talks. He tells her stories and plays patty-cake with her, while singing ridiculous children's songs. Joey loves watching them together.

One afternoon, while Brianna is napping, he fucks Lance and then tells him how scared he is of fatherhood. It's something they do occasionally, something they've done off and on for about three years. It's been a while for them because he was honestly trying to make things work with Kelly until the baby was about three months old and Kelly told him that she loves him but she doesn't want to marry him. He loves Kelly too, but when he realizes how relieved he is that she said no, he knows that he was never really in love with her.

Lance is his best friend. Lance is the person he can talk to about anything, who doesn't judge him but tells him when he's full of shit. The sex is just a side bonus of the friendship. They don't do it on a regular basis and they never spend the night, but sometimes he wonders whether Lance would want more if it was offered.

So he tosses the used condom in the trash and tells Lance that he's sure he's going to fuck this daddy thing up. Lance just smiles and says, "No, you won't."

"How do you know that?"

"You're going to be a great dad, Joe. You have a huge amount of love to offer that little girl."

"But." Joey starts to protest, because he's not sure that's true. And he's not really clear on how that translates to good parenting skills.

"You got a great role-model, right? All you have to do is be as good as your dad is," Lance says simply and gets up to pull on his jeans.

And that, at least, is true. He has a great dad-- a dad who didn't leave when he was a baby, like Chris' did, or who doesn't make his kid feel like he's not quite good enough, like Lance's dad sometimes does.

Lance slips on his shoes and runs a hand through his hair before turning around to look at Joey with a soft smile. "You'll be great, Joe. I know it."

And that's really enough for him, because Lance has a way of making things true just by saying them.

The next day is his last day alone with Brianna before Kelly takes her back and he has to fly out to LA for a string of appearances. He's feeding her pureed carrots and she has bright orange all over her cheeks and hands, and he has splotches of it on his t-shirt and all over his hands but he's laughing and telling her a story about Justin and Chris getting in a food fight in Germany once. She's just grinning up at him and babbling away in the half words she's been saying for a few months now. When she's eaten as much as she's going to eat and has started making a game out of spitting it back at him, he gets up to get a wash rag to clean everything up.

She gets quiet while he's across the room but when he walks back towards her, she bangs her hands on the tray of her high-chair and reaches out toward him and says, "da da da da da!"

Joey stops in his tracks and has to sink down into his chair to keep from falling over because he thinks they are the coolest syllables that anyone has ever uttered in the history of the world. "What'd you say, Bri? Say it again."

"Dada," she says, very clearly and grins, reaching out for him. "Dada," she says again, more demanding this time.

He picks her up and hugs her to him, laughing and kissing her. She tastes like carrots and smells like baby powder and her giggle is the prettiest music he's ever heard. Something in his chest hurts and he thinks he can literally feel his heart expanding, opening up, and he cries a little bit. He thinks about the Grinch whose heart grew three sizes bigger and he feels exactly like that. He falls suddenly and completely head-over-heels in love with his daughter. And it's nothing like anything he's ever felt before.

He calls his mom and dad and tells them how wonderful and perfect his baby girl is and then he calls Lance in LA and tells him that he was right, that maybe he will be a good father because he couldn't be anything else with a baby as perfect as her. Lance laughs and just says, "Of course she's perfect, she's like, part of you."

He doesn't think he puts her down all day, even when she naps in his arms until they fall asleep. That night he sings to her and sits up all night watching her sleep and makes a bunch of promises to her and to himself.

~..~

And I'm trying hard to figure out
Just how I ever did without
The warmth of your smile

~..~

After their Olympic concert, there's a party and Joey watches Lance leave right after an ice-skater from some Eastern Bloc country that he's been chatting with all night. A half hour later, Joey has found his own company for the night. She's a model-slash-aspiring actress and she has a big tits, which it turns out are real, and blond hair, which it turns out is fake. She's got a pretty smile but her laugh is grating, so he skips a lot of his usual charming schtick and kisses her.

She's exactly what he likes-- aggressive but willing and flexible. She pants and curses like a sailor when he goes down on her and digs her nails into his back and yells, "harder, fuck, yeah, like that," when he's fucking her. Her blow-job is nothing to write home about but he's pretty much been spoiled by Lance's mouth.

He falls asleep after they fuck the second time and when he wakes up she's curled up on her side across the bed from him. Most of her makeup is gone and her hand is tucked up under her cheek. He knows she's not underage, but asleep she doesn't look any more than nineteen. He wonders what Brianna's going to look like when she's nineteen and he suddenly feels sick to his stomach. He wants to throw up, but instead he gets up and takes a long, really hot shower. When he comes out, she's gone and hasn't left her name and phone number behind. His favorite kind of girl and all he feels is dirty.

He goes back to his room early the next night-- alone.

~..~

A couple of days before the tour starts, the guys come over for food and to finalize some tour business. Kelly's at a spa in the Keys for two days and he's got Brianna. Chris calls to say he's running late, so the rest of them are killing time while they wait. He comes back from getting beer and finds JC and Justin sitting cross-legged on the floor in the middle of a bunch of stuffed toys, Brianna's sitting in Justin's lap, and they're having what appears to be a tea-party. They're passing imaginary tea and cakes around and Brianna's giggling, not really knowing what's going on but enjoying the attention and silly voices. Lance is sprawled out on the couch and he rolls his eyes and takes the beer Joey offers him. Joey flops down next to him and watches as Justin offers "cake or death" to a stuffed alligator and compliments the bonnet that JC has stolen from a doll and has tied up under his chin.

Lance chuckles low in his throat and shakes his head. "We really are the gayest band ever, aren't we?"

Joey laughs and tries not to spit beer all over the couch. "I should really get video of this to save for our Behind the Music." But he doesn't move because he's too content with Lance's warmth next to him, cold beer, and Brianna's laughter mixing with that Justin and JC's voices.

After a while, they hear the roar of Chris' motorcycle and Lance clears his throat. "Ya'll better wrap this party up unless you want to endure tea party jokes for the whole tour." When he speaks, Brianna tracks his voice, looking over at him raptly and Joey sees Lance smile at her until Justin shifts, laying back on the carpet and setting her on his belly while JC pushes aside the tea implements and gets rid of the bonnet just before Chris breezes in.

While Chris rants about the FuMan meeting that held him up, Joey gets up and leans over Justin, reaching out for the baby. "Come to Daddy," he says, and she reaches out for him and grins when he picks her up.

"Dada," she says with delight and he thinks maybe she has his smile after all. He feels that catch in his chest again and has to force himself to breathe.

Hours later and it's late and Brianna is in bed. JC, Justin, and Chris have left and Lance is half asleep on the couch where they've been watching MASH reruns. Lance laughs when Margaret flies off on her honeymoon with Donald in a full-body cast, then yawns and rubs his face.

"I should go home."

"You could stay the night," Joey says without really thinking about it, but as soon as he says it he knows that he really, really wants Lance to stay.

"I dunno," Lance says, but Joey stands up and offers Lance a hand up.

"Stay," he says more intently, wanting to say things that he really doesn't know how to say. But that's the beauty of Lance, because he can understand Joey without needing words. He stares at Joey for a few seconds, then his eyes widen and he grins-- the grin that doesn't make it on camera very often, all teeth and gums and big, bright eyes.

"Okay," he says, and then his smile softens and he says again, slower, "okay."

Joey takes his hand and leads him out of the room, grabbing the baby monitor and hitting the light switch on his way, and he thinks that maybe this new heart of his has room enough for Lance too. Because after all, Lance really is like his favorite pair of old jeans.