Going to the Chapel
An Episode at Trek Smut University
by The Enigmatic Big Miss Sunbeam
A ratty-looking tape goes in the official TSU vcr, and an amorphous shape appears on the television screen.
Then the audio kicks in: Whap! Whap! "Is this thing working?"
On screen, something appears to be backing up.
Why, it's taking the shape of the Enigmatic Big Miss Sunbeam's face looking in the videocam and clearly batting clumsily at it.
"I guess it works," she sighs.
"Oh, boo, there, [finger waggle] Sunbeam here! Hi yall. I'm glad you like the art gallery. I notice that, frankly, we're having a bit of a RELIGIOUS AWAKENING here on the ng that is just so cute and so dear. So I've decided to build an adjunct to the gallery with the fabled Sunbeam family millions. I've been messing around the shop, and I've made us a multidimensional (and nondenominational!) . . . chapel! I even made [girlish giggle] stained glass windows so we'd have something to worship. Would you like a lttle tour?
"The chapel is vaguely in the shape of a traditional church; for example, here's the part where we sit and worship, girls. I've made us some huge spacious pews. There's some typical TSU touches notice that the pews are about as wide as a single bed. Gee duh, I wonder what I could be thinking of? [dimples] See on the backs of the pews; these little like-holder things with round holes in them? so you can put your Baptist communion glass there. Or your go cup! You decide! Or both! Or neither! Hmmm, what else is that round and significant and fits nicely in the hand could we put in these . . . [drifts away in thought]. Oh, uh, on the ends of the pews, I like to think only I, the enigmatic Big Miss Sunbeam, could add this touch: built-in ashtrays!!!! And the padding don't want no unpadded pews for my gals I got these evocative mattresses super cheap! Now I know they're just stained blue-ticking old mattresses, but doesn't that just reek of . . . some kind of breath-taking fun to you? There are shut-eyed kittens more worldly than the Enigmatic Big Miss Sunbeam, but even I know about stained mattresses. I got these mattresses from a, well, it was a cross between a women's soccer camp and a bondage retreat. I think the pews look smart. Oh, also on the back of the pews, not just book holders for the more medieval of our gals, but Internet connections and monitors to review our fave episodes and put ourselves in a worshipful frame of mind.
"And the stained-glass windows, ah, yes, the stained glass windows: three on the left, three on the right. About ten feet tall, using the Pre-Raphaelite Burne-Jones as my artistic mentor, just full length portraits with text at the top.
"The first one on my left, is . . . The Man!, no, the Entity! In his Farpoint drag, Q his own self, tenting his fingers and giving us the feyest little smile. (I tried for big Hollywood grins but teeth look WEIRD in stained glass). Awww, that is just too cute. And the banner above his head in big gothic text says: Read Between the Lines. As we surely do. The secret motto of faith and treksmut.
"And then the first on the right is that captain lady from Voyager see she's dressed in silver armor like Joan of Arc at her feet sprawled sort of naked and sort of Victorian PG-13 modest is that boy Paris. And their text is Ground control to Major Tom! (See, most of the texts used in the Chapel O' Smut are old rock songs; I think most of the texts used in LIFE are from old rock songs -- at least in my life).
"Over here, the second on the left is Worf he's wearing his favorite tee-shirt, the one Jadzia gave him; it reads Sex Instructor: First Lesson Free. His text: You KNOW what I like.
"The second on the right is Garak and Bashir - now admittedly this is one a bit more Rrrrrrrrrr rated if you know what I mean. They are both naked, but Garak's behind Bashir and Garak's big reptiley hand hides Bahir's bits their text is It's a good thing for me they don't bottle that stuff.
"Back on the left, the third one is Bev lookin' pretty, lookin' mighty like Botticelli's Primavera with a tricorder and her text is I'm not the kind of girl who gives up just like that.
"And the third on the right is the gently smiling Doctor from Voyager -- his hands in a kind of blessing --and his text is We all need someone we can bleed on.
"Now: there's a sort of pulpit, but it's kind of a group one because there's no one dogma, and carved on it is a passage from Walt Whitman - and he's rattling on about how all faiths and stuff are valid; he mentions naked gymosophists (what is it Bessie Smith says: I got to get me some) and a phallic Japanese procession (you girls go!) and teokallis and obeah and all that. And he says that all faiths rock! They all woof! They all bark! And he wants to help them all with their homework! Etc. etc.
"And behind the pulpit, there's a beautiful stained glass triptych: in the center is Jean-Luc and he's turning his face to . . . well . . . I'll be damned (no, wait! I mean . . .!) he's turning to Jesus from In the Garden! And there's this implication that Jean-Luc will kiss his cheek or his lips - well, girls, read between the lines is all I can say and there are pieces of paper falling from Jean-Luc's hands and written on them in iron calligraphy are things like dogma and RL and rancor and sects and rules he's, see -- oh, this is just too symbolic! -- see, he's discarding them!
"And on the left-hand n side of the main picture is okay, here 'tis, as Fats Waller says, there's a big banner in the sky and it says Doctor doctor won't you gimme the news and there they are: Kirk, with That Smile in a kind of John the Baptist fur drag, Spock in the middle in beautiful white robes and his hands in the Vulcan blessing, and McCoy a bit smaller, a bit in retreat, in his normal stuff and then, to complete the triptych side, (kind of a before-and-after doncha know) the banner reads I got a bad case of loving you and this one shows Kirk lying on the ground sort of naked, but there's a piece of fur over his bits and Spock's naked as well but he's behind Kirk and McCoy, gently smiling with his eyes only, is leaning over them with his swanky tricorder.
"Oh, no!!" Hands goes to her mouth "the lil battery thing is flashing!
"Okay, ladies, I gotta hustle see you in the Chapel O' Smut open 7-24-365: you pagan babies might like midnight -- I'm going to bring in a water oak tree to hang over the pulpit for you. And we have a retractable ceiling for the heap-big-mojo sky-god crowd I myself will be there Sunday morning (known as the mornin' after at the Irish Catholic Sunbeam household).
A gentle roar, a white flashing battery sign, and the Enigmatic Big Sunbeam fades to blue.