With one broad palm, Joey wiped at a patch of the mirror, cleaning away steam
and leaving finger-shaped streaks behind. He squinted and then blinked
rapidly, trying to clear his eyes of morning haze. 8:45 was officially too
early to begin anything, especially a whole new day. If it weren't for the
fact that he had to be awake and in costume for the ten a.m. tourist crowds at
Universal he wouldn't be upright for at least another three hours.
Joey sighed and reached for his toothbrush, vowing to himself that when he was
an adult he would never, ever get another day job. His mom always laughed at
him when he said that and JC would just grin blankly and say, "You can try,
man. You can do anything you want if you want it bad enough," which was both
helpful and really, really not.
His new friend Chris, though, always hooted and agreed vehemently while
tossing out crazy ideas of what sorts of lives they'd live if they could
always sleep until noon and party until four a.m. He really liked Chris. He
was no longer sure what he'd do without Chris around to keep him sane, which
was sure funny because Chris was easily the most insane friend he'd ever had.
Rinsing off the bristles of his old blue Oral B, Joey reflected on the pattern
his life had recently slipped into. Get up, work, hang with JC as long as he
dared, then retreat to Chris's until he got drunk enough or stoned enough or
exhausted enough to be able to sleep until the pattern started all over the
next day. It had been weeks since he'd slept the night through, but so far
he wasn't looking any different. Sure, he felt exhausted and it was
becoming harder to smile for his entire six hour shift at Universal. But
somehow, being 18 meant that he could abuse his health and not really pay for
it. Yet.
He ran a hand over his jaw and tried to assess the latest progress in his
never-ending quest for cool facial hair. He craned his chin forward and
rubbed at the pattern of whiskers he was trying to will into existence. He
pinched his lips together trying to see what, in his heart, he knew wasn't
there. Every morning he faced this. So far, nothing had looked anywhere near
good enough to keep. Not that the hair wasn't growing, but it just wasn't
growing in a good-looking way. Yet. But he knew that the more he shaved the
faster it would grow, the better his chances were, so he opened the drawer
that his razor was kept in and went to work. Sometimes he hated that he was
still officially a teenager and, though he knew it was stupid, he always tried
his best to be a man. He wasn't too good at waiting to grow up; patience had
never been his strong suit.
It was probably too late now, anyway. JC had met someone who was already a
real man.
JC was dating a 25-year-old music producer named Sean who had a full-on
goatee. A mustache and two sexy lines of hair that hugged his mouth down to a
small beard on his chin. It made him look way more sophisticated than he was.
JC really liked it, Joey knew. He had listened to JC talk about exactly how
sexy Sean was almost every day for the last three weeks.
JC thought this might be love and it made Joey want to puke.
Sean had made all sorts of promises to JC about helping him with his career
and paying for some expensive voice lessons and Chris had assured Joey that
this was all crap. Not that Joey didn't want JC to have a good career, but he
didn't want Sean to be the one handing it all to JC on a silver fucking
platter. But Chris had heard of Sean before, though he'd never met him.
Chris had more friends than Joey had ever known someone could have, and he
swore that he'd heard all kinds of things about Sean, most of them bad. Not
terrible or anything, like being a drug user or pulling tags off of
mattresses, just nothing that would lead Joey to believe that JC was actually
going to get a record deal out of his boyfriend.
He just wished that telling JC that would cause something to change. JC never
listened to anything bad about Sean. Besides, right now JC was too busy being
in love to even care about record deals, really. Which meant that Joey might
have to accept that it really was love because, before Sean, the only thing
that JC loved was music.
Joey dried his face and got his hair gel out from under the sink. He combed a
handful of the slick goop through his thick hair and then tried to flatten his
bangs back. He knew that when he got to work the makeup crew would plaster it
all flat for real, but he still felt self-conscious enough about walking in
and out of the park with thousands of people around that he wanted to look as
good as possible before leaving his house. Besides, JC sometimes showed up
before the shows and wished him luck before heading off to dance classes or
auditions or, recently, to hang out with Sean.
Joey had thought that meant something, once.
***
One morning, about two months ago, JC had unexpectedly arrived very early and
driven Joey to get coffee and doughnuts way before Joey was due to be at work.
Joey had been very happy that morning and had sung along with the radio and
done a little car dance and had tried to tickle JC when they were at
stoplights. JC had giggled and threatened to throw the last bear claw out the
window and Joey finally settled down when a U2 song came on.
JC loved U2.
Joey had turned up the volume and grinned at JC while singing the song as
loudly as he could and still carry a tune. JC flashed Joey a shiny, happy
look and softly kept the beat against the steering wheel. Joey had been
convinced that this was the best morning he had ever had.
When JC pulled up outside Universal they just sat in the car talking about
nothing for about ten minutes before Joey had decided that there would never
be a better moment. He smiled over at his friend, admiring, not for the first
time, how gorgeous JC looked when he was slightly relaxed like this. His eyes
were alive from the caffeine but it was still early enough that he was mellow,
resting with his back against the driver's side door and gazing peacefully
across at Joey. Joey had wanted nothing more than to lean over until he was
close enough to...Joey shook his head slightly and then mentally braced
himself while setting his empty coffee cup back into the cup holder and
waiting until JC's eyes met his quizzically.
"JC? Josh? Uh, you are, um, I mean. I've never known a friend like you
before." He could feel his cheeks heating up and he had ducked his head so
that his bangs fell into his eyes.
"Hey," JC blinked, "Thanks, man. Yeah, I know 'cause we've been friends
since, like, junior high."
"I know!" Joey peeked out from under his hair and saw JC smiling innocently
at him. He sighed. "But, no." He blinked and sighed again. "What I mean
is...For all the years I had with you...I realized, like, just over this last
year, that I love you. Josh." Joey stared back down at the stained cardboard
of his coffee cup, waiting for a reaction.
"Oh, Joey," JC giggled. "You're such a teddy bear. That's so sweet."
Sweet? Joey must have left out the part about wanting to kiss JC until his
tonsils fell out. He was almost sure that wasn't very sweet of him. "No, no.
I'm trying here...I just wanna be with you, Josh. Like, always."
JC was still smiling at him. "Yeah, sure Joey. I wanna be with you, too.
That's why we hang every day after you're done at work."
Joey mentally smacked JC upside the back of his head. He was missing the
point. Heck, he wasn't even in the same state as the point. "I'm not sure
you're understanding about me wanting you the way that I do. I want to hang
with you all the time, JC. And, you know, all I want to do is show
you...love," he finished lamely.
JC had finally started to look a little confused. "Joey? Are you asking if
you're my best friend, 'cause I swear that I thought that was clear? It's
always been just the two of us. I promise that we'll always be best friends,
'k? I love ya, man."
At that point, Joey had thrown his hands up in embarrassed despair and given
up for the day. But, he hugged JC extra hard afterwards and then every single
day over the next month or so.
Until one day in particular.
***
Joey closed up the bathroom cabinets and then moved from the damp, warm and
musty room back into his bedroom. He pulled some pants and a shirt out of a
basket of clean but unfolded laundry and tossed the random choices onto his
bed.
***
A little over a month after the day of coffee and doughnuts, JC had driven
Joey to the mall to take him shopping. Joey had been delighted, bouncing from
one end of the mall to the other, insisting on buying JC a cinnamon bun and
mocha frappaccino and then eating half himself. He purchased a ridiculous
amount of junk as well as actual useful clothes. JC had followed along behind
with his hands in his pockets, smiling the whole time and teasing Joey quietly
about his fashion sense.
"I swear, man. I thought I was the gay one, here. You like shopping, like,
way more than I do."
"That's 'cause you're cheap," Joey had teased automatically. But inside he
froze a little wondering how even JC had missed the signs that Joey had been
giving off. JC couldn't possibly still think Joey was straight, could he?
"Um, 'C? Let's sit here for a sec." Joey yanked JC down onto a bench, moving
suddenly and causing JC's limbs to fly about a bit before Joey settled him by
tossing a lanky arm around JC's bony shoulders.
"Wassup?"
"I'm just wondering..."
"'Bout what?" JC cocked his head back against Joey's arm so that he could
look up into Joey's eyes. Joey's heart started to pound faster.
"About whether you still think I'm...straight. 'Cause--" Joey had stopped
when JC had sat bolt upright and almost shouted.
"What?!?" They had stared at each other while Joey tried to keep in mind the
fact that they were in the mall. Not exactly a good place for a private
conversation. But still, he hadn't wanted to turn back.
"I guess. I thought you knew."
"No, I didn't know! What do you mean? Are you gay? Why didn't you say
anything?"
"I thought I was saying something! Like, a million times a day, every time we
get together. I'm always acting gay!" Joey had turned then to glare at two
teenage girls who were giggling at them with shocked looks on their faces as
they shuffled by slowly, trying to hear more.
"How so?" They were still sitting on the bench, but now JC had scooted back
and turned so one knee was up on the seat, his long arms crossed defensively
over his chest, head back, staring down his nose at Joey. He looked like a
particularly peeved stork and Joey caught himself thinking it was cute.
"I can't believe this," Joey had muttered under his breath before clearing his
throat and starting to tick off instances of his non-straight behavior.
"Like, every time I've complimented your hair, or how I love the way you
dress, or when I completely stopped talking to you about girls at least a year
ago, or when we watched 'Top Gun' and I talked about Tom Cruise's ass--"
"Ok, ok!" JC had waved his hands at Joey, fluttering in defeat. "Stop. I'm
starting to see what you mean." He sighed and cracked a small smile. "How
did I miss this?"
"I dunno, man. I asked myself the same question." He had grinned widely at
his friend. "Got the same answer I always get."
"What's that?" JC asked, already knowing the answer.
"That JC's on crack." They had both laughed until Joey leaned closer to JC as
if to tell him a secret and JC eagerly met him halfway, tilting his head to
hear Joey. "Good thing you're cute, dude, or we'd always be fighting."
JC leaned away and gave Joey the strangest look. "What are you talking
about? What? You think I'm cute?"
Joey forced his face to go neutral, suddenly worried about JC's reaction.
Funny, he had never thought to be worried about JC before. Nervous, sure. JC
was his crush, after all. But never worried. "Well, yeah."
JC's strange look had melted into the sweetest smile that Joey had ever seen
on him. "Oh, Joey, you are the nicest guy ever." JC had tilted until he
rested against Joey's shoulder and then he sighed. "You're so good for my
ego, man. Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without you there to be my
friend."
And with the word, "friend," echoing in his head, Joey had reached up and
awkwardly patted JC on the head. "'S no problem," he said, and bit his lip.
A week later, JC met Sean.
***
Joey wandered down to the kitchen, tennis shoes in hand, wondering if his mom
had left him anything to eat. There were muffins on a plate along with a note
telling him to make sure that poor, "skinny Joshua" ate at least three. He
smiled briefly to himself before his face faded again into the neutrality he
was becoming used to.
***
Chris had called him a few days ago to make sure he was going to come by that
night. "I've got news and I'm pretty sure it ain't good. It's about your
singer friend, JC."
That, of course, had made Joey want to cut work and go right over, but Chris
reminded him that getting fired by Universal was a lot easier than getting
hired. And besides, Chris had four performances himself that he wasn't
willing to cancel.
Chris's news hadn't been good at all. It had taken him a while to explain it
all to Joey, but once Joey understood he had gotten furious.
"So, you mean to tell me that this guy is making money off of Josh?"
"Yep. From at least a dozen different places. I heard that his voice is even
going to be used in some new sitcom's theme song. This guys works fast.
Are you sure JC doesn't know? I mean, I didn't think he did, from what it
sounds like--"
"No way he knows. He told me that Sean sometimes records him in his studio,
like, for practice or to help him make demo tapes, but he never mentioned him
doing anything with it. And he tells me everything."
"Everything?" Chris smirked.
Joey had glared at him. "Shut up!" He had stormed out then, to find JC.
JC hadn't believed any of it.
"Hold up." JC had shaken his head sharply and blinked as if to clear his
head. "Joey, who told you that, man? What are they smoking, 'cause I want
some." JC laughed. Laughed. Joey could hardly believe what he was seeing.
"Josh, you're being taken advantage of, here. Can't you see that?"
"What I see is that someone's lying to you, Joey. Sean would never do me like
that. All you're hearing is rumors."
"But Chris knows--"
"This is so stupid, Joey. Sean told me that he's showing some of my stuff to
contacts that could lead to deals and I'm cool with that. Your friend must've
misunderstood. End of story."
Joey had tried to speak again, but JC held up one long-fingered hand. "End of
story, Joe." And then he had glared.
Joey had wanted to cry.
***
Joey checked the clock. He had ten minutes before he had to leave. He
wandered into the family room and clicked on MTV. He stared blankly at a
video that he didn't recognize.
JC hadn't called him at all yesterday. That almost never happened.
Joey wanted to call in sick, but knew he would feel guilty about it because
there was really no good reason.
He changed the channel to VH-1.
***
JC had been awkward around him for the rest of the night. The next day, Joey
had begged Chris to tell him what to do. Chris's advice almost made him want
to punch the older man. He had suggested that Joey be completely supportive.
"Supportive?" Joey had shouted with betrayed emotion. "Sean's an absolute
ass"
"I don't doubt that for a second."
"Then fuck--"
"No, wait. JC's in love, Joey. Face it." Joey stared at a spot over Chris's
shoulder and refused to make eye contact. "From what you've told me, JC is a
complete girl about all this. He's not gonna listen to anything bad about his
boyfriend, no matter how true it'll turn out to be."
Joey had wanted to storm out again, but Chris gave him a joint and pushed him
lightly down onto the couch. Joey had huddled there until 3 a.m. when Chris
had turned off the light and gone to bed telling Joey on his way out that he
was welcome to stay. Joey just shook his head and walked home.
***
The doorbell rang and Joey hauled himself out of the depths of the couch to
answer it. It was almost time to leave for work and he really didn't have
time for visitors but no one else was home. He opened the door and stared for
almost a full minute before moving.
He reached out a hand and touched JC's shoulder and the crying boy on his
doorstep sobbed harder. He pulled JC inside and into a hug. JC's arms went
around him immediately, squeezing him with unexpected strength. Joey tried
not to smile as he leaned his head against JC's and said softly, "Tell me..."
JC heaved a breath before mumbling into Joey's shoulder. "Sean." He
whimpered. "He told me...I know that it's true."
Joey squeezed his eyes shut and started rubbing JC's back with long swipes of
his hand. "Oh Josh, I'm so sorry. Baby, believe me." Joey had never been
happier while lying through his teeth.
***
He called in sick that day. Luckily, he didn't get fired.
JC curled up in Joey's bed and cried for awhile before they started talking
about other things. Joey could tell that JC was hurting, though, and that
made it easier to lie next to his friend in bed and not think selfish things.
***
JC had started picking Joey up from work every day. It used to be that Joey
would hunt JC down if he wanted to hang with him. JC was a lot more available
these days.
***
They only talked about Sean one more time when JC mentioned Sean coming over
to pick up a jacket he had left at JC's house. "It was weird, man. He smiled
at me, but I was like, 'Just go.' He can keep all the money, I don't care."
Joey had smiled a little and murmured, "Good for you," and the subject had
been closed.
***
It was very hot one morning in early August on one of Joey's days off. JC
showed up early to hang with him. The Sean thing had been over for a month,
but JC didn't show any signs of becoming less needy. Joey really didn't mind.
"You want to go shopping?"
"Are you serious?" Joey asked with a huge grin.
JC shrugged. "Sure. Besides, you need to get me a birthday present."
"How do you know that I haven't already?"
"'Cause I know you. Now let's go." JC smirked.
This time, Joey didn't bounce from store to store as they meandered down the
mall. Instead he walked by JC's side, watching his friend's passing
expressions and moods, trying to decide on the perfect thing to get for JC's
birthday. JC was turning 19, which was kind of grown up, so Joey didn't just
want to get him a Koosh ball or comic book or something. It had to be
perfect.
At one point he thought he noticed JC watching him from the corner of his eye
with his head down, but wasn't sure. He was ready to dismiss it until JC
grabbed his arm and pulled him onto a bench.
"Woah, deja-vu!" Joey laughed.
"Yeah, now you know how it feels."
Joey glanced at his friend and rearranged his shopping bags so he could get
comfortable. JC just sat there, smiling at him and looking warm and happy and
beautiful in the scattered sunbeams coming through the colored skylights
above. The silence started to get to Joey and he fidgeted.
"What?" he finally asked.
JC smiled more widely, his big blue eyes squinting and cheeks flushing a
little. He reached out a hand towards Joey and Joey froze, suddenly
completely unable to move. JC pressed one finger against Joey's lower lip and
then traced it down to rub at the few whiskers on his jaw.
"Just...I think you're pretty cute, too."
Joey looked up sharply and met JC's steady, shining gaze. He smiled at his
friend, sure that for the first time JC finally understood.